So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
