Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
