im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
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There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
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Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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