Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
