hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
