5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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