what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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