Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Randomize
