You work out of a Hotel?
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
