and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I should be sponsored by Trojan
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
