Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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