not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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