I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Life is so much better after having sex.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
