I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
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Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
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I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
How does one acquire holy water?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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