At least make sure they are 18
Why
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
