people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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