just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
