i barfeds in our rink
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
