That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
