so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
you made out with another girl for some wings
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
