I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
