oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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