if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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