Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
