so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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