The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
