youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
