Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
