i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.