dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
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We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
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I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.