Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
