I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
