Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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