I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
