You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
