I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
zippers are such a cool invention
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
