Fine. I'll sleep in my office
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
