my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
