I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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