I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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