One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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