god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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