I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
