I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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