"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
