God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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