I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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