TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
