I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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