What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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