Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
