I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Randomize
