I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
