It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
