Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
