Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Dicks are not precious.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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