brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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