standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
