Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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