I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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