I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
