So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
