all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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