i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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