Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
