you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
